Looking for my kibbutz

Hacía menos frío junto al Sena que en las calles, y Oliveira se subió el cuello de la canadiense y fue a mirar el agua. Como no era de los que se tiran, buscó un puente para meterse debajo y pensar un rato en lo del kibbutz, hacía rato que la idea del kibbutz le rondaba, un kibbutz del deseo. "Curioso que de golpe una frase brote así y no tenga sentido, un kibbutz del deseo, hasta que a la tercera vez empieza a aclararse despacito y de golpe se siente que no era una frase absurda, que por ejemplo una frase como: "La esperanza, esa Palmira gorda' es completamente absurda, un borborigmo sonoro, mientras que el kibbutz del deseo no tiene nada de absurdo, es un resumen eso sí bastante hermético de andar dando vueltas por ahí, de corso en corso. Kibbutz; colonia, settlement, asentamiento, rincón elegido donde alzar la tienda final, donde salir al aire de la noche con la cara lavada por el tiempo, y unirse al mundo, a la Gran Locura, a la Inmensa Burrada, abrirse a la cristalización del deseo, al encuentro. "Hojo, Horacio", hanotó Holiveira sentándose en el parapeto debajo del puente, oyendo los ronquidos de los clochards debajo de sus montones de diarios y arpilleras. Julio Cortázar, Rayuela.

Never waste your midlife crisis -- Austin Kleon

I am 32 years old and I am yearning to find:

• something that goes in a single, right direction
• something I can be serious about; a purpose I can serve
• something that, looking back, would feel coherent
• something fun, but in a hard way
• something that attracts like-minded brains
• a craft I can attempt to master
• my geodesic

In the last couple of years, many aspects of my life have taken roots. I have become a dad. And my kid needs to be fed, to learn to pee in its box, to flourish as a rational and empathetic human being, and all that kids' stuff. Also, after some years abroad, my family and I have bought a house close to our hometown. In all my adult life the spatial and temporal scope for exploration has never been so limited. Yet the aforementioned longing to find my craft remains intact.

There's obviously the classical tension generated by these two opposing forces, family and craft, commitment and freedom, heaviness and unbearable lightness. It would be easy to conclude that, in order to find the professional fulfillment I am yearning for, the position I'm currently in is the worst I've ever had. After all, why should I succeed now if I haven't so far?

Yet there is a sense in which the lack of freedom actually makes it easier. Before, when I had all the time in the world and an infinite menu of possible paths, my inability to find the one and commit to it was profoundly frustrating and debilitating. Over the years, I inadvertently trained my mind to enter a destructive ruminating loop of "why the hell haven't I found it yet?". But now the abstract problem has become concrete. And concrete problems are solvable. I live in this part of the world; I have this amount of time. What is the best I can do?

This is the first of a series of posts that I will devote to documenting my journey to, as Rayuela's protagonist would probably put it, finding my kibbutz¹. In some ways it is a bit of an experiment. I want to put the ruminating thoughts I have had for years, that obfuscated energy, outside of me. I want to be able to look at them, poke them and make fun of them. And hopefully, through that process, I'll get to a better understanding of what I am looking for and how should I look for it. So this will be a long, rambling (and free!) therapy session. But, crucially to explain the fact that you are reading this, it will be a public one too.

Everybody is looking for (or has looked for) their kibbutz, each one grown out of their unique blend of opportunities, goals and limitations. These matters are usually hidden in the choices we make and in the way we live, and are rarely made explicit. I want to create the necessary space so that may happen.

As I suggested in 7. Pesadilla generacional americana, I suspect kibbutz-finding is among the most prevalent dilemmas for people of my generation. I guess it might be helpful for some if I wrote about my personal journey. I know it is something I would love to read from others.

I am half excited, half frightened. I do not exactly know what I'll write. Every time I try to put some words together about this topic what comes out feels childish, naive, and self-centered. But I feel it is important. If not for the rest of the world, definitely for me.

See you in part 1 of the Kibbutz Series!

Iñaki